Late-night jokes recap June 16, 2013

“The National Security Agency has been collecting the phone records of Verizon customers since April. That explains Verizon’s new ad campaign: ‘They can hear you now.’” Jimmy Fallon

“The same conservatives who were all for the Patriot Act are now freaked out about this. They’re like, ‘When we said the president could do whatever the f*ck he wanted, we didn’t mean a black guy.’” –Bill Maher

“The guy who blew the whistle on the NSA scandal is a former security worker named Edward Snowden. He is a high school dropout. He was making $122,000 a year. He lived in Hawaii. He was engaged to a beautiful former ballerina. And he gave it all up. So not only is he a whistleblower. He’s also a moron.” –Jay Leno

“Do you mind that the NSA is opening your mail and listening to your phone calls? I don’t care. It’s like the lady that tells you the directions in your car. At first I thought it was annoying, and then I realized it’s just like being married.” –David Letterman

“House Speaker John Boehner called NSA’s Edward Snowden a traitor. But only because he leaked the name of his tanning bed.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama said he welcomes a national debate over our surveillance policies. He said that’s a debate we wouldn’t have had five years ago. Five years ago? It’s a debate we wouldn’t have had two weeks ago if they all hadn’t gotten caught.” –Jay Leno

“Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we’re just saying it’s a little bit weird you didn’t have to.” –The Daily Show’s John Oliver on the NSA spying scandal

“He went to China to avoid government persecution. That’s like going to Ireland to avoid getting drunk.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The NSA has been listening in on phone calls. It’s people with cellphones — you hear these people walking down the street screaming into their cellphones. They’re the ones who are upset about people listening to their phone calls.” –David Letterman

“This whistleblower is all over TV. His name is Edward Snowden, and he’s very pleased with himself. He says he doesn’t want to live in a society where the society monitors its people. And then he fled to China.” –David Letterman

“A new report shows that the Obama administration has been collecting the telephone records of millions of customers of Verizon under a top-secret court order. Here’s the sad part. It turns out that 90 percent of the phone calls Americans make are to order a pizza.” –Jay Leno

“Marco Rubio announced a new bill that would require immigrants to learn English to become citizens. Many Americans already say it’s the goodest news they have heard all year.” –Conan O’Brien

“Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is on Twitter. A politician on Twitter — what could possibly go wrong?” –David Letterman

“As part of a senior prank, students at a high school in Washington spray-painted all over their school, but they actually misspelled the word ‘senior’ twice. That probably explains why they didn’t get into ‘collage.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new report says that Donald Trump has spent one million dollars trying to figure out if he should run for president in 2016. Experts are already calling it the World Most Expensive ‘No.’” –Conan O’Brien

“A new report says if Republicans want to win over young voters they need to get up to date with technology. Well, the GOP is listening because today they told young people everywhere to ‘be prepared to receive a very exciting fax from us.’” –Conan O’Brien

“In Pakistan, the Taliban’s No. 2 man has been killed by an American drone. In a related story, today the Taliban’s No. 3 man said he’s stepping down to spend more time with his family.” –Jay Leno

“A simple pot conviction can foreclose on opportunities to vote, get a job, go to college, or qualify for housing. How can our first black President, and our first pothead President, be aware of that, and just look the other way? If anyone can say smoking pot won’t ruin your life, it’s the guy who smoked bales of it, and then became leader of the free world.” –Bill Maher

“During a Senate hearing, Senator John McCain said it was too hard to always have to update apps on his iPhone. No one has the heart to tell him the device he was holding was a garage door opener.” –Conan O’Brien

“If you think Benghazi is worse than slavery, the Trail of Tears, Japanese internment, Tuskegee, purposefully injecting Guatemalan mental patients with syphilis, lying about WMDs, and the fact that banks today are still foreclosing on mortgages they don’t own, then your hard-on for Obama has lasted more than four hours, and you need to call a doctor.” –Bill Maher

 

Shoutout from Tornado Alley

Yep, I made it through the May tornadoes unscathed .. am so sorry for the lives and homes lost .. have trouble speaking of the 200 dead horses …

And I’m tired of out-siders asking why we keep living in such a terrible, dangerous place.

Risk is inherent to life, after all. There’s no place that’s completely safe from everything. The Midwest and Southern Plains have tornadoes .. the East Coast, Florida and the Bay Coast, have hurricanes. The North East has terrible blizzards. If you live near a big river you have floods. California has earthquakes, mudslides, wildfires .. Colorado has avalanches, wildfires, Washington has volcanoes, and Arizona has wildfires. Where should people live?

Once an area is settled, the generations that live and die there, that have made all their memories there, remain for a variety of reasons .. mostly because of the proximity to family and friends. Home, basically, with everything that word implies.

And BTW — “Why Oklahomans Don’t Like Basements”

“A high water table and red clay that soaks up the moisture make dry basements an expensive and iffy proposition right in the heart of Tornado Alley. In fact, because of their reputation for leaks, abasement can actually be a barrier to a home’s resale in the state. ….”

http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2013/05/21/185857916/why-oklahoma
…

Okay .. got lotsa stuff to catch up on …

C’mon, just admit it – Romney sucked big time

(I wrote this last week and thought I posted it .. just now noticed that WordPress saved it as a draft instead)

Dang sore-loser Teahadists. I’m so sick and dang tired of the racial animus shown by radical righties on the internet, talk radio and letters to the editor .. bitching that the only reason President Obama won is because he is black, or “the right color.”

They want to dismiss his victory by saying he only won because of black voters .. which is pretty dang hard to do when blacks only account for about 13% of voters.

They like to ignore that President Obama also won over 70% of the Hispanic and Asian vote to combine with about 40% of the white vote to win the presidency .. not to mention 55% of women’s vote.

Yes, blacks broke records turning out to vote for Obama .. not just because he is black, but because he was the first *viable* black presidential candidate .. ever.

I won’t argue that race had something to do with it .. but it’s not the whole story. You’d have to know how open bigotry feels .. see the world from inside their black skins, relive their handed-down family stories, to understand their jubilation when ‘one of them’ finally had a good chance to be the most powerful man in the world.

Think about it righties — they certainly didn’t show the same enthusiasm for Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Alan Keyes or Herman Caine.

Another important thing — blacks and minorities are overwhelmingly registered as Democrats .. who normally vote for the Democratic candidate .. duh! .. the party that addresses the needs of the working class, the elderly and the poor.

LBJ got 94% of the black vote in 1964, Al Gore got 90% in 2000, and John Kerry got 88% in 2004 .. funny, no one said a dang thing about black people and race.

And it really gets my goat when righties say I only voted for Obama because I’m a ‘white bleeding heart liberal.’

Yes, I am a liberal, and white, and my heart feels for my fellow humans .. but I’m also a Democrat descended from generations of Democrats, and I voted for Obama because he is a DEMOCRAT .. the added bonus was that his election could help our country evolve a little .. show the world how true Democracy works.

I can’t forget the irony that slaves built the very steps President Obama stood on to take his oath of office.

One thing I know for sure — I garran-damn-tee you I wouldn’t have voted for Romney if he was as black as the Ace of Spades.

Ah well, the sore-loser radicals are just pissed because in 2012, for the first time in history, black voter turnout rate surpassed whites .. which means that many whites of both parties stayed home.

Sooo .. if people had voted last November at the same rates they did in 2004 — when black turnout was below its current historic levels — there’s a good chance we’d be calling Romney, Mr. President.

Thank you my black friends for standing in line for 8 hours, thank you for not getting discouraged about voter ID .. or when early voting, and Sunday church bus voting were outlawed.

Racists don’t seem to understand that all these ‘roadblocks’ only made you more determined to vote .. turning your spines into even harder steel.

Umbrella-gate .. when it rains it pours

A new bigger-than-Watergate scandal came up to end President Obama’s fabulous week of Justice Department subpoenas, the IRS brouhaha, etc. .. at least Benghazi ran out of steam.*

The Republicans have found new fuel to throw on the scandal bonfire .. look for another House GOP led committee investigation on umbrella holdin’ …

Because, during a drizzly Rose Garden news conference Thursday with the Turkish Prime Minister, President Obama asked for some protection from the rain.**

“I am going to go ahead and ask folks, why don’t we get a couple of Marines — they’re going to look good next to us — just because I’ve got a change of suits but I don’t know about our prime minister,” he said as two Marines appeared at the lecterns with umbrellas. “There we go. That’s good.” He gestured to the soggy press corps, adding, “You guys I’m sorry about.”

Lawd-a-mercy, seeing a trained Marine holding Obama’s umbrella just rubs some Republicans the wrong way .. they started hollerin’ about how Marines are not supposed to hold umbrellas.

Seriously .. if they want to get fired up about something military, why not holler about the stress and strain of endless Middle East wars, which contributes to alarming rates of suicide and rape. Where’s the outrage and indignation over that!?

Just so happens that Title 10 of the U.S. Code states that members of the Marine Corps shall “perform such other duties as the President may direct.”

Well, Twitter exploded with photos of previous presidents having umbrellas held by people in uniform .. also tweets claiming racial bias if R’s think a different standard should be demanded of this president.

It makes you wonder if there’s still something southern, a DNA memory perhaps, from the “War of Northern Aggression” days***, that howls through their blood when they see just the image of a Marine holding an umbrella for a nigra .. er, black man.

More likely, for GOP leaders, it’s because he’s a D-d-democrat.

Remember, they went after Bill Clinton to the point of impeachment – he’s not black. They went after Kerry, savaged his military service – not black. They’re already starting on Hillary Clinton in case she dares to run in 2016 (to say nothing of how she was attacked while First Lady) – also not black.

But, they DO flaunt Obama’s race to stir up the racists among us, especially the hunker-down-in-bunker sheeple .. who then flock to fill GOP campaign coffers.

What we have he-ah is a childish foot-stamping conservative base that’s lost all sense of propriety and patriotism .. their political extremism is ruining a once great party.

(Sorry, the WordPress link thingy is broken)

*
http://www.motherjones.com/kevin-drum/2013/05/its-official-bogus-email-leaks-came-republicans

**
http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20130517/NEWS02/705179817

***
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/nutty-new-nra-president-jim-porter-war-guns-article-1.1333864

Scandal Fever – everybody just simmer down now!

I didn’t want to comment on Benghazi/IRS/AP scandal fever until more facts were uncovered.

Boy howdy, it sure looked bad .. what with Republicans doing the Chicken Dance and high-fivin’ all over the place. I mean, Mitch McConnell almost smiled.

First Benghazi. The R’s were doing their damndest to make it a “cover up” political bombshell .. trying to discredit H. Clinton, see. They’re looking down the road to 2016, and are properly nervous about her in the race .. so anything to slow her down or put her on the defensive.

A lot of money is going to be spent trying to destroy her. Count on it. They’re already circulating a rumor about her blood clot really being brain cancer. That one smells like Karl Rove to me.

Yet, a new Public Policy Polling survey finds that R’s aren’t getting much traction with Benghazi .. voters trust Hillary Clinton over House Republicans on the issue of Benghazi by a 49% to 39% margin .. and her 52% favorability rating is same as it was in late March.

Anyway, CNN reported on the latest 100 pages of Benghazi emails that the White House released, especially one sent by a top aide of President Obama — “in which the aide discusses the Obama administration reaction to the attack on the U.S. posts in Benghazi, Libya. The actual email differs from how sources were inaccurately quoted and paraphrased in previous media accounts.”

Okay, here’s what happened — There was a leak by some congressmen who had been given access to the first emails by the White House .. congressmen who tried to reconstruct them to appeal to Fox News (talk about a breach of protocol) .. but it now turns out they over-played the part that made it look like the White House was covering up something.

Big Republican blunder. Wouldn’t it be rich if the White House gave them enough rope to hang themselves .. that the high dudgeon about Benghazi is due to somebody leaking iffy info, and the R’s jumping all over it.

Wouldn’t it be rich if the R’s were triple-reverse snookered by the White House .. the original leak starts a firestorm, then gets disproven by the White House?

Yep, that would be fiendishly, deliciously Machiavellian .. and they say this is how Obama likes to play the game …

Ah well, Benghazi wasnt working anyway. Now the R’s have the IRS and Justice Dept/AP scandal to dance around .. so we probably won’t be hearing much more about Benghazi .. unless those two scandals don’t have legs.

The ironic thing is that the Justice Dept/AP thing seems to be the only one with any meat .. yet it’s likely to draw the least public outrage.

I will hold further comment about the other “scandals” until more facts are revealed .. when I understand better about what they`re actually accusing Obama of doing.

You know how the Tea Party always sez

You know how the Tea Party always sez
…that Obama’s socialism is destroying this country?

Well, if that’s true, he must be doin’ it wrong. Looky here:

“Stocks closed out the week with a bang, with the Dow briefly topping 15,000 for the first time, as Wall Street cheered a better-than-expected April employment report. All three major indexes — the Dow Jones industrials, the broader S&P 500 and the tech-heavy Nasdaq — finished sharply higher for the week, with the Dow and S&P advancing to all-time closing highs.”

Yep, smells like capitalism to me .. corporate profits are at a record high, the Stock Market is shooting off the charts, and all those tax-loophole dollars will go directly back into corporate pockets.

See, these billion dollar corporations deserve tax breaks because they create jobs .. overseas.

And those tax breaks aren’t free .. they keep billions from being put back into the American public system that provided the wealthy the freedom to earn their wealth in the first place .. things like interstate highways, roads and bridges, electric power plants, water treatment plants .. the internet.

Not to mention public schools or police or fire department or street lights or universities or scientific research or medical research, etc. .. etc. .. etc.

Wall Street only cares about stuffing its pockets .. to hell with working class Main St. who struggle and carry more of the tax burden to pay for the American public system.

Late-night jokes recap 5/4/12

“Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major team sport to come out as gay. Do you know what a breakthrough this is? Finally an NBA player who won’t have any illegitimate kids.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney gave a commencement speech where he advised graduates to start a family before they turn 30. He also advised them to pay for it by inheriting millions of dollars.” –Conan O’Brien

“An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants.” –Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right. A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now when bullies say, ‘Give me your lunch money,’ students are like, ‘Here, take it.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The FDA has just ruled that girls as young as 15 can now obtain the contraceptive Plan B without a prescription. Before that, most teenagers’ Plan B was getting a show on MTV.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn’t catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don’t you think?” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed. To make sure it closes quickly, they’re turning it into a Blockbuster Video.” –Conan O’Brien

“There’s now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you’re ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty.” –Jay Leno

“New York City is testing a new plan that would make the average school day longer by over two hours. Parents haven’t commented on the plan yet because they’re busy high fiving everyone they know.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new study found that the air quality in New York City subways is actually the same quality as the air in New York streets. Even crazier, that’s supposed to be good news.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Washington Wizards center Jason Collins just came out of the closet, making him the first pro athlete in a major sport to be openly gay – while the first openly gay wizard is still Dumbledore.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Collins is getting credit for being the first openly gay pro athlete. Or as Martina Navratilova put it, ‘Hello!’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Jason Collins, center for the Washington Wizards, announced he is gay. He said, ‘I don’t know what’s been tougher on my family, announcing I’m gay or announcing that I play for the Washington Wizards.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Supreme Court Justice Steven Breyer had shoulder surgery for an injury after he fell off his bike. It happened when the justice drifted a little too far to the left.” –Conan O’Brien

“There’s a trend now of prison inmates reviewing their prison on Yelp. The downside is that people are now committing crimes just to get the amazing fish tacos at Rikers Island.” –Conan O’Brien

“Congratulations to Gwyneth Paltrow. She’s the most beautiful woman alive, according to People magazine. I thought to myself, ‘Wow. Thank god, finally some hope for good-looking, thin blondes.’ Gwyneth, by the way, still has to be confirmed by Congress.” –David Letterman

“All five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016.” –Jay Leno

“Plans are being discussed in California to let illegal immigrants serve on juries. Talk about doing the jobs Americans don’t want to do! It’s all yours. Thank you.” –Jay Leno

“Do we really need a newly designed $100 bill? Hey, in this economy, most people don’t even remember what the old one looked like, all right?” –Jay Leno

“The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it.” –David Letterman

“It’s basically the Hard Rock Café of catastrophic policy decisions.” –Jon Stewart on the Bush Presidential Library

“All five living presidents were in Dallas for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama said he was happy to support the opening of the library. He should be. After all, Bush got him elected twice. Blame Bush on that one, sir!” –Jay Leno