Late-night jokes round-up 1/27/12

　

“President Obama told the nation ‘The state of our union is strong,’ while Newt Gingrich told his wife, ‘The state of our union is open.’” –Conan O’Brien

“A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, ‘I’ll be there in five teachers.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Last night folks, Republicans held their eighteenth debate. The question on everyone’s mind: Who cares?” –Stephen Colbert

“After Iowa and New Hampshire, Newt’s campaign looked terminally ill, which is when he generally moves on to something better.” –Stephen Colbert

“We were ready for Romney to win the Republican nomination, so we had our puns ready: ‘Bright Lights, Big Mitty,’ ‘Mittizen Bain,’ and “Mormon-y, Less Problems.” But then … ‘The Gingrich Who Stole South Carolina.’” –Jon Stewart

“Mitt Romney is going to release 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich is going to release his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows.” –Conan O’Brien

“Rick Perry pulled out of the presidential race – which is bad news for the guys on death row in Texas. He’s coming home and he’s not in a good mood.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich was cheating on his second wife while he was prosecuting Bill Clinton for the Monica Lewinsky thing. In other words, Newt puts the ‘hippo’ in ‘Hypocrite.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich served divorce papers on his first wife while she was dying of cancer. Today his second wife went all divorce court on his ass, saying after she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, he asked her to have an open marriage, while publicly touting the sanctity of traditional marriage. His new slogan is “Open your legs, America.”" –Jon Stewart

“A new poll says 84% of Americans disapprove of Congress’ job. The other 16% weren’t aware Congress was doing one.” –Jay Leno

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]

Bill Maher jokes round-up 1/27/12

“Rick Perry dropped out. He said while it’s sad he won’t be president, he can always run again next year.” –Bill Maher

“Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife went on nightline and said that he wanted to have an open marriage. This is the second wife, talking about him when he was fooling around with what became the third wife. Newt wanted apparently to have his wife and his marriage and also women on the side giving him oral sex. This way he could be nice and relaxed when he went to work and accused blacks of feeling entitled.” –Bill Maher

“I have not seen anything this surreal since they cancelled ‘Twin Peaks.’ What else can you say about a Republican debate when the rich guy, who’s avoiding taxes – which they like, gets booed and the fat creep into threesomes gets a standing ovation?” –Bill Maher, on Romney and Gingrich in the CNN debate

“Newt was mad. He said ‘I am not a philanderer; I am a blow job creator.’” –Bill Maher

“Newt said this is despicable to ask these questions. Why are we dwelling on the past? We should be concentrating on the future and putting America’s children back to work.” –Bill Maher

“Meanwhile, at the debate, Mitt Romney’s got a look on his face like, ‘Three women at once? Who’s the Mormon in this race?’” –Bill Maher

“I thought the race was over; I thought Mitt Romney had closed it. You know for a guy that is supposed to be a great business man, he sure can’t close the deal. And now it looks like Mitt vs. Newt; Alien vs. Predator.” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of “every man for himself” doesn’t make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee.” -Bill Maher

“New Rule: The NAACP must take Newt Gingrich up on his offer to stand in front of the their convention and tell them why black people should want jobs instead food stamps. This way I can finally answer a question that’s been bugging me for years: can Newt Gingrich run?” –Bill Maher

[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, HBO]

Forty lashes with a wet noodle ..

That’s what we used to say as kids to describe a weak attack .. it fits Mitt Romney’s attacks on Newt Gingrich during last night’s NBC debate in Florida .. the GOP’s 18th debate.

Mitt fell flat .. he is just not an attack dog like Newt. Someone said that Mormons are raised to be humble and respectful. Whatever, meanness doesn’t seem to be in his nature.

Newt also fell flat.

There was no sports arena atmosphere. No applause .. no whistling, cheering standing ovations. None of which benefited Newt .. who needs feedback to fire him up.

So Newt was more subdued .. it was like someone finally convinced him that to win the general election he needs people beyond right-wingers

When Newt’s not attacking, he’s losing .. because without it people start to wonder why they like him.

The White House hasn’t stopped laughing since last Saturday’s SC primary.

It would make me happy if Newt actually wins this thing .. then the country will get to see the Republican Radical Right up close and personal .. then it can spin itself into oblivion and out of our national fabric.

It’s the only up side of Newt.

Then maybe the GOP will be able to rebuild itself as the Party of Lincoln .. and while we’re at it, how about a little makeover for the Democratic Party, make it more like the party of FDR