“Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire.” –Conan O’Brien
“When Rick Perry heard that, he said, ‘Well that’s nothing. I like to execute people.’” –David Letterman
“Yesterday Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt stopped by the White House. There was an awkward moment when they tried to adopt President Obama.” –Conan O’Brien
“In New Hampshire, the Republican primary election took place. New Hampshire voters gathered to decide which middle-aged white guy looked best in a pair of pleated Dockers.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“After Iowa and New Hampshire, Mitt Romney’s campaign is now two for two. After his performance last night, Rick Perry’s campaign merchandise is now two for one.” –Jimmy Fallon
“This GOP race is heating up with the intensity of an Easy-Bake Oven.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Rick Perry was philosophical about it. He said, ‘Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ‘ He said at least it’s giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states.” –Jay Leno
“Jon Huntsman finished third … and he said he’s happy with the momentum he gained this week. You know it’s got to be fun being a politician. You can spin everything. … Your plane is crashing and you’re saying, ‘We’re happy to be landing ahead of schedule.’” –Jay Leno
“The thing I don’t like about Romney is that he’s not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians.” –Craig Ferguson
“I came up with a great slogan for Romney. “It’s time to Mitt or get off the pot.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Ron Paul said he’s ‘nibbling at mitt Romney’s heels.’ At 76 years old, I hope somebody’s cutting Romney’s heels into bite-sized pieces for him.” –Craig Ferguson
“Ron Paul finished second. … Paul says if he can sustain those kind of numbers … and if his message continues to resonate … and if Mitt Romney gets hit with a dump truck, he could still win this thing.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“I’m having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything’s all right.” –David Letterman
“Nation, unless you live in a cave, I’m sure you’ve heard that yesterday’s New Hampshire primary was won by Mitt Romney. And if you do live in a cave, I’m guessing you voted for Ron Paul.” –Stephen Colbert
“Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.” –Conan O’Brien
“You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins.” –Jay Leno
“During the debates I drank a shot every time I heard the word ‘contraception.’ I was more wasted than a contribution to Jon Huntsman.” –Stephen Colbert
“The defense department is trying to find out who leaked information to filmmakers making a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Even worse, the name of the movie is ‘Harold and Kumar Kill Osama.’” –Conan O’Brien
“The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.” –Conan O’Brien
“I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.” –Craig Ferguson
[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]
