“The government may be legally required to release the video of Osama bin Laden’s killing. President Obama said this would be unhelpful, inflammatory, and ‘Could you please release it two days before the election?’” –Conan O’Brien
“Despite his big loss in Florida Newt Gingrich vows to stay in the GOP race. And we all know when Newt takes a vow he really sticks with it.” –Jay Leno
“Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.” –David Letterman
“Romney won Florida. Have you taken a good look at Romney and his wife? They look like a couple in a Levitra commercial.” –David Letterman
“Mitt is the guy you think you look like. Newt is the guy you actually look like.” –David Letterman
“Not a great day for Mitt Romney. He put his foot in his mouth. He said in an interview, quote, ‘I’m not concerned about the very poor.’ Is anybody even trying to win this thing?” –Craig Ferguson
“A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.” –Jimmy Fallon
“This is real; Newt Gingrich is being sued by the guy who wrote the song, ‘Eye of the Tiger.’ He’s using it in his campaign. Gingrich says he wants the song because he’s a big fan of Rocky. He loves Rocky. Did he see the movie? Didn’t Rocky lose to the black guy? Hello. Isn’t that what happened? Am I wrong?” –Jay Leno
“The agriculture department says we now have the smallest cattle population in 60 years. That shows you how fat we’re getting. We’re close to putting cows on the endangered species list.” –Jay Leno
“Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.” –David Letterman
“The Associated Press reports that China is greatly expanding its state television station. This is really good news for China’s No. 1 reality TV show, ‘Toddlers Making Tiaras.’” –Conan O’Brien
“Rick Santorum says Newt Gingrich is too hot, Mitt Romney is too cold, but he’s the ‘Goldilocks candidate.’ Yes, nothing gets voters excited like comparing yourself to tepid porridge.” –Craig Ferguson
“A lot of people want Gingrich and Romney to continue their attacks on each other all the way to the convention. These people are called Democrats.” –Craig Ferguson
“Newt Gingrich accused Mitt Romney of running a dishonest campaign. Oh shut up! These are politicians. It’s like Willie Nelson yelling at Snoop Dogg for smoking dope!” –Jay Leno
“Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for being wealthy and having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that’s when you know you’re part of the top 1 percent, when your bank’s address has the word ‘island’ in it.” –Jay Leno
“But, Romney says he is not a creature of Washington. He has lived in the real streets of America. I believe it’s Easy Street, if I’m not mistaken.” –Jay Leno
“In fact, when Mitt Romney was young, he and his gang controlled their hood’s hedge fund.” –Jay Leno
“Ron Paul was not in Florida, he was campaigning up in Maine. They think he was afraid that if he went to Florida, they’d grab him and put him in an old folks home.” –Jay Leno
“Now, Senator John McCain has gotten into the act; McCain says that the Republican debates have turned into mud wrestling. To which Herman Cain said, “I knew I got out too soon!” –Jay Leno
“Over the weekend, Herman Cain announced that he is endorsing Newt Gingrich. Well sure, adulterers like to stick together. You never know when you need an alibi. You cover for me, I’ll cover for you.” –Jay Leno
“Snoop Dog endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul’s positions on everything from legalizing pot … to legalizing pot.” ” –Conan O’Brien
[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]
