“They announced the winner of the Westminster Dog Show, and tomorrow the winning dog gets to ride on the roof of Mitt Romney’s car.” –David Letterman
“Mitt Romney is sinking in the polls. That is the magic of a Donald Trump endorsement right there.” –David Letterman
“President Obama’s approval rating is up to 50 percent. Only half the country dislikes him. Apparently his strategy of not being any of the Republican candidates is paying off.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Here’s how he stacks up against others. Obama is at 50 percent positive. Mitt Romney is at 42 percent positive. Ice cream is ahead of both of them at 97 percent.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“CNN is letting viewers ask the candidates questions at its next Republican debate. It’ll be awkward when they’re like, ‘This question’s from Mark in Texas.’ Mark asks: ‘What else is on?’” –Jimmy Fallon
“Newt Gingrich visited the San Diego Zoo yesterday and had fun with a panda. It was amazing. Here you have this massive creature that’s nearly extinct, and then of course there was the panda.” –David Letterman
“Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he’s against same-marriage sex.” –David Letterman
“Yesterday Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Mitt Romney all said that if elected president they would eliminate porn. In a related story, President Obama has already been re-elected.” –Conan O’Brien
“Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He got an honorary Grammy for best spoken word for being able to speak out of both sides of his mouth at the same time.” –Jay Leno
“Rick Santorum is hoping his three wins in the Republican primaries on Tuesday will postiion him as the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney. And I think that’s reflected in his new campaign slogan: the other white meat.” –Seth Meyers
“Rick Santorum said he was concerned about the Pentagon’s new policy allowing women closer to front-line combat, noting that men would have emotions seeing a woman in harm’s way, which I have to say is a compelling case against having men in the military.” –Seth Meyers
“Part of me thinks that Rick Santorum is running for president just to show his high school crush she should have gone to the prom with him.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“There’s really no reason for anyone to drop out of the race. If you wind up in fourth place, you become a regular contributor on Fox News. You come in third, you get your own show on Fox News.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Former presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is on the show tonight. If you know anything about this guy, he dropped out. But he’s a former governor, Ambassador to China, honest, kind, ethical, a good husband, and a good father. He never stood a chance.” –Jay Leno
“I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy on a package of underwear.” –David Letterman
“To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy.” –Stephen Colbert
[a tip of the hat to Daniel Kurtzman, CBS, NBC, ABC, TBS, HBO, and Comedy Central]
