Late-Night Jokes Recap – 1 Feb 14

“In Vatican Square the Pope comes out and he has kids release doves of peace. And then some sort of angry bird of prey swooped down and killed the doves. On the Vatican press release, all they said was ‘Bummer.’” –David Letterman

“Last night of course was the State of the Union address, and during his speech, President Obama promised to focus on economic growth, education, and healthcare. Or as people tuning in put it, ‘Oh crap, it’s a rerun.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“As you know, President Obama gave his State of the Union address last night. Obama says he wants to give ‘America a raise.’ He’s just waiting, of course, for final approval from China. As soon as they say it’s OK, then we’ll move ahead.” –Jay Leno

“It seems that England’s royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that’s what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years.” –Jay Leno

“At last night’s State of the Union address, President Obama renewed his call for a path to citizenship for illegal aliens. Yeah, that was popular. Even more popular, though, was his roadblock to citizenship for Justin Bieber. That went over huge.” –Conan O’Brien

“In anticipation of the Winter Olympics, a female curling champion released some sexy photos of herself curling in lingerie. When asked for comment, Americans said they’re still not going to watch curling.” –Conan O’Brien

“How many of you folks watched the State of the Union speech last night? How many of you watched just for the commercials?” –David Letterman

“Justin Bieber was booked for assault for an incident that happened in December. Boy, this kid is on a real crime spree. He’s become a menace to society. I liked him better when he was just a menace to music.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“By the way, when you have Justin Bieber and Rob Ford in the same place, it’s like Gotham City getting attacked by the Joker and the Penguin at once.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Earlier tonight President Obama gave his State of the Union address. Or, as Fox News called it, ‘Lame Duck Dynasty.’” –Jay Leno

“In his speech tonight, President Obama urged Congress to raise the minimum wage. Now don’t confuse that with congressional minimum wage. See, that’s doing the minimum for your wage. That’s completely different.” –Jay Leno

“Iran says they want to encourage more tourism from the United States. They might want to change that ‘Death to America’ slogan. A lot of families are not comfortable with that.” –Jay Leno

“The president’s State of the Union address was tonight. And just three weeks after the ‘Bridge-gate’ scandal, the mayor of Fort Lee, New Jersey, was invited to attend the speech. When he heard that, Chris Christie said, ‘Good luck getting there.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, that Fort Lee mayor should feel right at home in Congress – you know, since they’re a bunch of gridlocked people who are angry with the guy in front of them.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s chief speechwriter said the president started working on his State of the Union address around Thanksgiving. In a related story today, Joe Biden finished GIVING a speech he started around Thanksgiving.” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s tradition that one cabinet member does not attend the State of the Union address and is kept in a secret, undisclosed location. So this year the cabinet member will be on a prime-time show on NBC.” –Conan O’Brien

“The mayor of Sochi in Russia where they’re having the Olympics says there are no gay people in Sochi. Well, we can’t expect too much from the opening ceremonies then. Who will be working on the choreography?” –David Letterman

“The first address broadcast live on TV by a president was given by Harry Truman in 1947, and since then it’s really just an annual competition between Democrats and Republicans who see who can fake clap the loudest.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The smog from factories in China is traveling across the Pacific and now is hitting the U.S. So now even our smog is made in China. We don’t even have American smog anymore.” –Conan O’Brien

“Beyoncé performed at Michelle Obama’s 50th birthday party. Yeah, because there’s no easier way for a woman to turn 50 than having to spend your party looking at Beyoncé.” –Jimmy Fallon

(A tip of the hat to Dan Kurtzman)

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